Talk to Yourself Like You Are Speaking to Someone You Love

Have you ever stopped and paid attention to the way you talk to yourself? We say things to ourselves that we would never dream of saying to someone we love and care about.

"I can't do this." "I'm such a loser." "I can't do anything right." "I always mess things up."

It may manifest as a thought, or you may even blurt it out when you're alone. Sometimes we say these things almost automatically, as an instant, reflexive response to an action we just performed incorrectly. We may even think we're just being honest or holding ourselves accountable. Most of the time we can shrug it off and go on with our day. Other times, though, the thought becomes internalized and we start to believe it. When this kind of internal dialogue becomes automatic, a habit, it can affect more than just our mood.

When your internal dialogue is repeatedly "I can't do this" or "I'm such a loser," your brain starts to interpret situations through a threat-oriented lens. This can increase worry and rumination and contribute to the activation of the body's stress response, also known as "fight or flight." If that becomes chronic, stress can affect sleep, appetite, blood pressure, digestion, immune function, recovery, and overall health and wellbeing.

In other words, the conversations we have with ourselves matter.

This doesn't mean that one negative thought is going to make us sick. Negative thoughts are part of being human. The problem is when harsh, critical self-talk becomes our normal way of speaking to ourselves, and it becomes our identity, our self-image.

Think about someone you love. If that person tried something new and failed, would you say, "You're such a loser"? If they were struggling to learn something, would you tell them, "You'll never be able to do this"? If they made a mistake, would you say, "You can't do anything right"? Probably not.

You would encourage them. You might remind them how far they've already come. You'd tell them that one mistake doesn't define them. You'd encourage them to get back up and try again.

So why do we sometimes believe that being cruel to ourselves will somehow make us better?

In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus taught us to "love your neighbor as yourself" (Matthew 22:39, NIV). This command comes from Leviticus 19:18. We usually focus on the call to love others, but notice the standard He uses: "as yourself."

If we are called to extend patience, compassion, forgiveness, and encouragement to others, shouldn't we be willing to extend some of that same grace to ourselves? Love others as you love yourself. Love yourself as you love others.

That doesn't mean excusing our mistakes or pretending we don't need to change. Sometimes love tells the truth. Sometimes it requires correction. But correction doesn't have to sound like condemnation.

Speaking kindly to yourself isn't pretending that everything is okay. It's replacing destructive thoughts with ones that are truthful, compassionate, and constructive. There is a big difference between positive thinking and lying to yourself. If I failed at something, I don't have to pretend that I didn't fail. But instead of allowing that failure to become my identity, I can recognize it for what it actually is — something that didn't work — and learn from it.

The Bible gives us another interesting instruction: "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." (Proverbs 4:23). In biblical thought, the heart isn't just about emotions. It is connected with our thoughts, intentions, desires, decisions, and inner life.

Perhaps guarding the heart and mind should also include paying closer attention to the voice we hear more than any other voice in our lifetime: our own. In our quest for wellness, maybe we should focus as much on our thoughts as we do on our eating, sleeping, and exercise.

For the next week, listen to your internal dialogue. What are you repeatedly telling yourself? You don't have to police every thought. Just start noticing. When you catch yourself saying something destructive, stop and ask: Is this actually true? Is this helping me? Would I say this to someone I love?

Then replace the thought — not with something artificially positive, but with something truthful, compassionate, and constructive. You may have been speaking to yourself a certain way for decades. Don't expect that habit to disappear overnight. After all... we are still learning.